My recalls of you
by KagomeGirl92
Summary: Sequel to Ashitaka to San no Sekki. San feels empty inside without Ashitaka and recalls her memories with him, before ATSNS started. Angsty and longing fic. R&R!
1. Chapter 1

My recalls of you

Hello! Some people have asked for the sequel for "Ashitaka to San no Sekki", well here it is! This takes its place few days after ATSNS. It's about San, who recalls her memories of life with Ashitaka before arriving to the forest of Shishi-gami and finding out who she really was, while waiting for Ashitaka's return to her and watching the forest grow back and Tatara Ba to rebuild.

Italics in the flashbacks are from San of now days.

I don't own Princess Mononoke, Hayao Miyazaki-sama does!

English is not my first language!

* * *

He is always there in this time, at the dawn of each day. And I'm always waiting for that, each day.

He waves to me, and I believe he's smiling at me, thought I can't see it. I really want to wave back, just to show some kind of attention, but I never mange to do that.

Because tears always end up falling from my eyes, and I break down.

Like it's said, you never know how much someone means to you, until you lose them

…..Well, I have not really **lost** him, he's alive and all, but he's not here with me. And it hurts. It hurts so much. I've became such a cry-baby. Sure, I've cried before, but never for really long. Because he was there to comfort me. He always pulled me to a thigh hug and let me cry on his shoulder. But now he's not here, and the tears won't stop falling.

I still remember it like yesterday, though it's been almost fifteen years. The day I met him, and my whole life changed.

My one and only love, and friend.

Ashitaka.

Flashback

_It was a rainy day of October. I was three years old. I had never been allowed to go outside, since I wasn't a pure Emishi, so I had learned. I just spent time in the shire of the village, learning my oracle studies. I had been told that since I was an outsider, I had to make a place for myself at the village of the Emishi. And my place to be would be as the oracle, after my 'Adoptive mother', Hii-sama passed away._

_That day, a woman entered the shire, with a boy about my age._

"Hii-sama, Ashitaka wanted to come here, when I told here was a girl his age. Is it okay for him to meet her?"

"Oh, you mean San here?" _Hii-sama said as she gave look at me_ "Yes, sure she's harmless. Come here, Ashitaka-hiko"

_The boy walked over to me. I was a little stared of seeing him, and I backed off a bit. He carefully sat after a little distance of me. He smiled at me and said:_

"Hello, you must be San. I'm Ashitaka" _I smelled his scent. He smelled like nature and rain. He was soaking wet, but didn't seem to mind. He was so outsider to me. Everyone always told me I was an outsider, but maybe they all were outsiders to me too._

_Now that I think it, it sounded really stupid that I said to him, but I was only a three-year-old child_

"You are an outsider" _I said and pointed to him. The woman that had come with Ashitaka came over to me and slapped me over the face_

"How dare you say something like that to him! You're the outsider here!" _she looked furious and I stared crying, not only because of the pain, but also because of yelling. Hii-sama didn't even stick up for me. No one ever did when I was said to be an outsider. But now, for the first time, someone did:_

"Mother, stop that. She's right, we are all outsiders to her, since we come from outside where she has never been. Isn't that right, San?" _Ashitaka said and looked at me gently_

"Y-Yes."

"You're very smart San. Would you like to be my friend?"

"Friend? What is a 'friend'" _My question might sound stupid to you, but I really had no idea._

"It means that we like each other and spend time together. I like you, San"

"Ashitaka!"

"But mother, this girl certainly needs a friend. And I like her very much already. But, Hii-sama, do you think you could allow her to go outside? Trapped like this, she really will be an outsider"

"I think it wouldn't hurt so much if she's your friend"

"It's agreed then. Do you want to be friends, San?"

"O-okay" _And then I did something I had never done before. I smiled. It felt good to have someone who cared for me and stuck up for me. And I swore to myself that I'd do likewise with him, whenever he needed me to._

End of flashback 

That was the day I met him. The beginning of a very long friendship and care. Yet, I'm not sure if I anymore believe in that care. He promised he'd come to visit me. I know it's been only few days, but my longing is unbearable. Doesn't he miss me at all? Doesn't he care for me anymore?

Even thought of those, breaks my heart into million pieces.

Please, Ashitaka, just speak to me. I don't care what it is, just be with me! Hug me, smile at me, say it will be alright! Please…

* * *

This probably going to be my most dramatic story. I've always wanted to write something dramatic and angsty. I like reading that. Sure, there is "In my dream", but it's been a little while since I wrote that too….

Chapters are going to be short, I think, unless the flashback is longer, or there is two of them in the same chapter. I'll try to finish this during my summer vacation.


	2. Chapter 2

I'm getting thinner.

I know the pups of Moro see the change in me. In the first days I lived without Ashitaka I was my normal self, but even then, I somehow felt like something was missing. Like there was this "empty place" somewhere deep inside my heart. He was my other half, my significant other. He had always filled the place that I had had as a child, the place of family or that I didn't belong anywhere.

The pups are worried about me, telling me I should go to the rebuilding Tatara Ba and find him myself. I really don't know why I don't.

….I guess it's because I still hold bitter to the people of the Tatara Ba. They had killed so many. I knew they had their reasons, but couldn't there have been other way? So, all I can do is just to watch him at every dawn.

I'm getting thinner, because I just don't feel like eating. I don't feel the hunger. Only thing I feel is unbearable pain in my chest. I've never felt anything like this before. Because he was with me back then.

Yet, we weren't always together, there was many times he couldn't be with me…

Flashback

_Soon after I had met him Ashitaka and I became really close. I finally had someone to laugh and talk with. And I was allowed to go outside as well. After some time I had learned that Ashitaka was the prince of our clan. Yet, he never acted like one. He treated me as an equal, like I was not outsider at all. He taught me how to play. I became more carefree and more like the other girls my age._

"Ashitaka!" _I called out for his name. I wondered what fun we would be doing today. Maybe we would go swimming to the river, or maybe we would just sit down on a field and chat._

"I'm sorry, San, I can't play now. I must go to my fighting lesson"

"But why? Can't I come too?"

"I don't think you can, San. But I promise I'll come to see you in the evening"

"Okay"

_It continued to be like this for many days. He had only one day off a week, and he spent more and more less time with me. I was really lonely, but I ignored it and buried myself to my oracle studies._

_Yet, without Ashitaka, there was no fun at all._

_Finally, after it had continued for a month, I got enough of it._

"Ashitaka, today I'm coming with you" _I told him_

"San, are you sure that's a good idea? The training is very hard and you could get hurt. I don't want you to get hurt"

"I know that, but I also know I can manage. I just want to be with you"

_He smiled at my words. I knew he was proud of me, and flattered since I wanted to be with him. Then, he nodded at me and said:_

"Alright then. I'll convince everyone"

_And so I went with him. We took a small spars at first. Everyone were a bit against of my training, but Ashitaka stuck up for me, and finally I was allowed to go freely. I didn't go to all of his fighting lessons, since I had to study as well, but I went every time I could. _

_With summer nearing, we had less of lessons and we were able to be more together. Usually we went swimming or to a flower field. In the near of middle summer, we were once again on the flower field. It was filled with marguerites. I had fallen asleep on the field next to Ashitaka. I woke up of a tap on my head. I sat up and noticed there was a wreath of marguerites on my head._

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up" _Ashitaka said to me_

"It's okay, I was only in a light sleep. Wow, this is pretty beautiful. Did you make it?"

"Yeah. I just wondered you would look beautiful with it on your head"

"Could you teach me how to make these?"

"Sure"

_He taught me the whole rest of day, but my last one wasn't even close as beautiful as the one he had made to me._

"I'll never be so good as you" _I whined_

"Yes you will. You just need more practise"

_Then, just suddenly an idea came up to my mind and I said it out loud_

"I want to get married with wreath of marguerites on my head that I've made myself"

"Then there will be no bride more beautiful than you" _Ashitaka said to me gently and smiled. I returned his smile. I knew this was a promise to him. And I was going to practise making wreaths hard._

End of flashbacks

Of course, that time I was never really thinking I would fell in love with him of want to marry **him**. I just wanted to get married and have a family. But I was just a child, completely innocent for the ways of love. Probably I was thinking I would just marry some of the old men of the village.

And I didn't know loving someone would hurt this much.

Right now, I was killing my time walking around the forest. Suddenly, I reached a field. It was filled with marguerites. I had to gasp. It was so much like the field we had used to sit and chat so many times. I went to sit down. And almost naturally I took some flowers and started making a wreath. After a while I was done.

Ashitaka had always told me I was beautiful. I had been a little straled by it. I myself thought myself really ugly. I was thin, always had been, I wasn't very tall, my eyes were sharp and blue, and my hair was messy, short and even a little diry. I wasn't type of caring my looks, but sometimes I wondered, how someone so perfect, handsome, kind and princely, chose to love someone like me? I loved him so much too, but I didn't feel worthy of his love at all.

I walked over to a river nearby and watched my reflection on the water. My eyes looked suffered and tired. I still had the wreath on my hands, and I put it on.

Yes, I had to admit, it did fix my looks a bit. White fitted with my dark clothes. I touched my reflection with my hand and drank a bit water.

Ashitaka, where are you? What are you doing right now?


End file.
